In the pursuit of peak performance and flow states, one often overlooked yet foundational element is the relationship we have with ourselves. It’s not just about skill-building or mental strategies—how we treat, trust, and talk to ourselves directly impacts our ability to perform at our best. As John Hendry, an expert in emotional intelligence and positive education, points out, cultivating a healthy self-relationship is essential for resilience, confidence, and personal growth.
Here’s why your self-relationship matters, how it shapes your performance, and what you can do to nurture it.
What is your self-relationship?
Your self-relationship encompasses how you lead, treat, and talk to yourself. It’s the foundation of how you handle challenges, setbacks, and successes. A healthy self-relationship is marked by trust, forgiveness, compassion, and integrity. When these elements are present, you’re more likely to:
Approach failure as a learning opportunity rather than a personal flaw.
Build resilience and confidence to tackle challenges head-on.
Foster a sense of hope and optimism, even in difficult times.
On the flip side, an unhealthy self-relationship can manifest as harsh self-criticism, perfectionism, avoidance of challenges, and a reluctance to practise self-care. These patterns can create a negative feedback loop, holding you back from reaching your potential.
Why it matters for performance and flow
The way you treat yourself directly impacts your ability to achieve flow states—a state of optimal performance and engagement. According to Hendry, being in flow requires acute focus and alignment of your mental and emotional states. Self-doubt, harsh self-talk, and unresolved insecurities act as distractions, preventing you from entering or sustaining flow.
Hendry explains that key traits such as self-trust, forgiveness, and compassion are critical for maintaining focus and resilience during performance:
Self-trust: Confidence in your abilities reduces hesitation and self-doubt.
Forgiveness: The ability to let go of mistakes keeps you present and focused.
Compassion: Treating yourself kindly fosters emotional balance, enabling you to stay grounded and adaptive.
Practical ways to strengthen your self-relationship
Improving your self-relationship doesn’t happen overnight, but with intentional practice, you can foster trust, resilience, and compassion within yourself. Here are some actionable steps inspired by Hendry’s insights:
1. Check in with yourself
Set aside time daily to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling right now?
What thoughts are recurring, and how are they shaping my actions?
This practice helps you become aware of negative self-talk and provides an opportunity to reframe your perspective.
2. Prioritise self-compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy you’d offer a friend. When you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself, acknowledge it as part of the learning process. Remember, failure is not the end; it’s the start of improvement.
3. Set boundaries
Learn to say no to behaviours, tasks, or people that compromise your well-being. Clear boundaries reinforce your self-worth and show others that you respect and value yourself.
4. Build self-care routines
Make time for activities that nourish your mind and body, such as exercise, sleep, and hobbies. These routines not only enhance your physical and mental health but also signal to yourself that you matter.
5. Embrace your uniqueness
Celebrate your strengths and accept your imperfections. Embracing who you are allows you to work from a place of authenticity, unlocking greater fulfilment and connection with others.
6. Choose your words wisely
The way you talk to yourself shapes your beliefs and behaviours. Replace self-critical language with constructive and affirming statements. For example:
Instead of: “I’m such an idiot for making that mistake.”
Try: “I made a mistake, but I can learn from this.”
The five pillars of a healthy self-relationship
Drawing from Hendry’s work and research from Professor Kim Cameron at Michigan University, a strong self-relationship is built on five key pillars:
Trust: Believe in your abilities and judgement.
Forgiveness: Let go of mistakes and give yourself permission to grow.
Integrity: Commit to doing your best and align your actions with your values.
Hope: Maintain optimism, even in the face of challenges.
Compassion: Show care and empathy for yourself, especially during tough times.
By cultivating these qualities, you create a foundation of resilience, confidence, and adaptability, enabling you to thrive in both personal and professional pursuits.
The power of forgiveness in flow
Forgiveness plays a particularly crucial role in achieving and sustaining flow. Hendry emphasises that self-forgiveness isn’t just about letting go of past mistakes—it’s about creating space for future success. Without it, self-criticism and doubt can dominate your thoughts, pulling you out of the present moment and disrupting your focus.
The simple act of forgiving yourself for small missteps—whether it’s a missed opportunity or a minor error—can help you stay on task and maintain the mental clarity needed for flow.
Final thoughts: your relationship with yourself shapes everything
Your self-relationship is the foundation upon which all other relationships and achievements are built. When you nurture trust, forgiveness, and compassion within yourself, you unlock greater resilience, confidence, and focus. This, in turn, allows you to embrace challenges, learn from failure, and achieve your fullest potential.
As Hendry beautifully puts it, “Be kind. Give yourself a break.” This simple yet profound advice can transform how you approach life, enabling you to find flow not just in peak moments but in the everyday experiences that make life meaningful.